Ashley (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} paraphasia) wrote,@ 2007-01-02 18:31:00 |
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Polyamory
Just for clarification. And because I am lazy and instead of explaining every time someone asks, I usually just send them a link to a site that explains it far more eloquently than I would. But sometimes those sites are lengthy and reading anything for longer than five minutes reduces your IQ by at least 50 points - it's science; so I figured I'd just compile a few excerpts that I feel best describe my personal outlook on being polyamorous - the word my spell checker hates with a blinding fury.
"Polyamory (latin, poly=multiple + amor=love) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Polyamorous perspectives differ from monogamous perspectives, in that they respect a partner's wish to have second or further meaningful relationships and to accommodate these alongside their existing relationships."
- site
A lot of big silly words there I know, basically it just means having the option to be with more than one person, provided there is consent with all involved. Without said consent, such an 'arrangement' is more commonly referred to as cheating. Polyamory doesn't work unless the people involved maintain honesty and straight forward communication, above all else.
"'Polyamorous' is also used as a descriptive term by people who are open to more than one relationship even if they are not currently involved in more than one. Some people think the definition is a bit loose, but it's got to be fairly roomy to fit the wide range of poly arrangements out there."
- site
This is particularly true with Paul and I. Despite how clearly smokin hot we both are, more often than not, we don't have any external relationships. We're picky little bitches, what can I say.
"Q: Isn't this really just about commitment-free sleeping around?
A: New relationship styles (being poly) allow people to 'love (another) without leaving,' ending the current societal demand that we abandon our existing partner if we want an intimate relationship with another. New approaches may therefore result in more long-term relationships. Far from discouraging commitment, the increased love and fulfillment of mutually self-designed relationships strengthen the incentives for maintaining ties between the original, committed partners that make these opportunities possible.
Commitment comes from the heart, not from external “rules.” Our current 40-70% rate of marital infidelity demonstrates that current relationship styles certainly do not eliminate the desire for intimate connection outside of marriage."
- site
Whereas yes, divorce rates are ridiculous, polyamory is in no way superior or 'better' than monogamy. It's just a different option.
"Often, a relationship may fail if the people involved in that relationship try to force it to fit some predefined set of conditions, rather than allowing the relationship to grow in whatever direction is natural."
- I really don't remember where this one is from. I can't be ON all the time alright. Christ. Just pretend Bono said it.
Moving on. I agree wholeheartedly with allowing a relationship to become whatever it will become. Polyamory allows you the freedom to do just that. If you meet someone, like them, you are free to pursue that as much or as little as you want. Much like the average single person goes about meeting someone new. Things then naturally develop or don't develop from that point on.
Whereas this might sound fun and interesting, it is a lot of work. To maintain relationships when you are polyamorous requires far more time and dedication than maintaining a relationship when you're monogamous. At least in my experience. Despite this, I enjoy my lifestyle. It has it's ups and downs, like anything else. But the work put into my relationships, past and present; has been worth it, by far.
Paul and I have been poly for five years. It's not a passing phase. Whereas our friends all know, our families, at this time, do not. I don't think they would react negatively. But I don't think they would understand quite the way our friends do. But who knows, maybe we'll drop that lovely bomb on them in the near future, possibly during thanksgiving dinner.
Regarding jealousy:
"Nobody is immune to jealousy, of course. It's like being immune to fear or hunger or anger. Some people may be naturally more jealous than others, but anybody can feel jealous. Jealousy, like fear or hunger, is just a feeling.
But jealousy isn't really a response to seeing your partner with someone else, at least not directly. it says more about your own security or insecurity than it does about the actions of your partner.
Jealousy is most common when somebody feels insecure, mistreated, threatened, or vulnerable in a relationship. If you feel secure in a relationship, you don't get jealous. Jealousy is not the problem; it is the SYMPTOM of the problem. Address the insecurity or the things underlying the feelings of vulnerability, and you address the jealousy.
Jealousy, like other emotions, doesn't come from nowhere. It comes from a feeling that someone's needs aren't being met, or someone feels threatened. People who don't feel threatened, don't feel jealous."
site
Being poly doesn't eliminate jealousy, nor does it increase it. I chose that quote because I think ALL relationships and individuals can benefit from that kind of logic.
The Ethical Slut
And finally, Elisa gave me this for my birthday one year (or Christmas, I don't remember I was probably drunk and driving around local grade schools at 90 mph, it's a holiday/birthday tradition. I'm sentimental like that, what..), and it remains by far one of the best gifts anyone's ever given me. She's kickass. Clearly.
If you have any questions, are curious, confused as all hell, whatever; feel free to ask. I'm always happy to discuss.
Just for clarification. And because I am lazy and instead of explaining every time someone asks, I usually just send them a link to a site that explains it far more eloquently than I would. But sometimes those sites are lengthy and reading anything for longer than five minutes reduces your IQ by at least 50 points - it's science; so I figured I'd just compile a few excerpts that I feel best describe my personal outlook on being polyamorous - the word my spell checker hates with a blinding fury.
"Polyamory (latin, poly=multiple + amor=love) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Polyamorous perspectives differ from monogamous perspectives, in that they respect a partner's wish to have second or further meaningful relationships and to accommodate these alongside their existing relationships."
- site
A lot of big silly words there I know, basically it just means having the option to be with more than one person, provided there is consent with all involved. Without said consent, such an 'arrangement' is more commonly referred to as cheating. Polyamory doesn't work unless the people involved maintain honesty and straight forward communication, above all else.
"'Polyamorous' is also used as a descriptive term by people who are open to more than one relationship even if they are not currently involved in more than one. Some people think the definition is a bit loose, but it's got to be fairly roomy to fit the wide range of poly arrangements out there."
- site
This is particularly true with Paul and I. Despite how clearly smokin hot we both are, more often than not, we don't have any external relationships. We're picky little bitches, what can I say.
"Q: Isn't this really just about commitment-free sleeping around?
A: New relationship styles (being poly) allow people to 'love (another) without leaving,' ending the current societal demand that we abandon our existing partner if we want an intimate relationship with another. New approaches may therefore result in more long-term relationships. Far from discouraging commitment, the increased love and fulfillment of mutually self-designed relationships strengthen the incentives for maintaining ties between the original, committed partners that make these opportunities possible.
Commitment comes from the heart, not from external “rules.” Our current 40-70% rate of marital infidelity demonstrates that current relationship styles certainly do not eliminate the desire for intimate connection outside of marriage."
- site
Whereas yes, divorce rates are ridiculous, polyamory is in no way superior or 'better' than monogamy. It's just a different option.
"Often, a relationship may fail if the people involved in that relationship try to force it to fit some predefined set of conditions, rather than allowing the relationship to grow in whatever direction is natural."
- I really don't remember where this one is from. I can't be ON all the time alright. Christ. Just pretend Bono said it.
Moving on. I agree wholeheartedly with allowing a relationship to become whatever it will become. Polyamory allows you the freedom to do just that. If you meet someone, like them, you are free to pursue that as much or as little as you want. Much like the average single person goes about meeting someone new. Things then naturally develop or don't develop from that point on.
Whereas this might sound fun and interesting, it is a lot of work. To maintain relationships when you are polyamorous requires far more time and dedication than maintaining a relationship when you're monogamous. At least in my experience. Despite this, I enjoy my lifestyle. It has it's ups and downs, like anything else. But the work put into my relationships, past and present; has been worth it, by far.
Paul and I have been poly for five years. It's not a passing phase. Whereas our friends all know, our families, at this time, do not. I don't think they would react negatively. But I don't think they would understand quite the way our friends do. But who knows, maybe we'll drop that lovely bomb on them in the near future, possibly during thanksgiving dinner.
Regarding jealousy:
"Nobody is immune to jealousy, of course. It's like being immune to fear or hunger or anger. Some people may be naturally more jealous than others, but anybody can feel jealous. Jealousy, like fear or hunger, is just a feeling.
But jealousy isn't really a response to seeing your partner with someone else, at least not directly. it says more about your own security or insecurity than it does about the actions of your partner.
Jealousy is most common when somebody feels insecure, mistreated, threatened, or vulnerable in a relationship. If you feel secure in a relationship, you don't get jealous. Jealousy is not the problem; it is the SYMPTOM of the problem. Address the insecurity or the things underlying the feelings of vulnerability, and you address the jealousy.
Jealousy, like other emotions, doesn't come from nowhere. It comes from a feeling that someone's needs aren't being met, or someone feels threatened. People who don't feel threatened, don't feel jealous."
site
Being poly doesn't eliminate jealousy, nor does it increase it. I chose that quote because I think ALL relationships and individuals can benefit from that kind of logic.
The Ethical Slut
And finally, Elisa gave me this for my birthday one year (or Christmas, I don't remember I was probably drunk and driving around local grade schools at 90 mph, it's a holiday/birthday tradition. I'm sentimental like that, what..), and it remains by far one of the best gifts anyone's ever given me. She's kickass. Clearly.
If you have any questions, are curious, confused as all hell, whatever; feel free to ask. I'm always happy to discuss.
